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I know this hasn’t been anywhere close to the experience of all polyamorous people, but it’s my experience and that of the people I’ve talked to most about this.
My roommate Mike dates the same three people I am dating, including Alicorn who also lives with us (this is not normal for polyamory, and all three people started dating Mike and then met me and started dating me too, so I guess the moral of the story is to think very hard before accepting me as a roommate).
I like cuddling people, kissing people, falling in love with people, petting people’s hair, writing sonnets about people, and a few things less blogaboutable, but having sex isn’t an especially interesting experience for me.
I treat it kind of like watching a chick flick – something one might do to get the nice warm feeling of doing romantic things and bonding as a couple, but wait a second why the heck is she kissing him now and that scene made no sense and THIS MOVIE HAS NO PLOT HOW DID IT MAKE 0 MILLION AT THE BOX OFFICE?
If there is a Heaven, I assume compersion will be a big part of its emotional repertoire. I don’t drink much, not because I’m especially virtuous but because I hate the taste of alcohol and the atmosphere of bars and parties.
In the same way, I’m not promiscuous, not because I’m especially virtuous but because I’m sort of borderline asexual.
In fact, this Know-Nothing would have two strikes against him if he tried to hold onto his philosophy. Whatever his predictions of doom – Irish immigration would impoverish the country, Irish immigration would lead to the US being annexed by the Vatican – those predictions have clearly been disconfirmed. He would be exposed to so many perfectly normal Irish people that his brain would have trouble even maintaining them as a separate category.
Alicorn makes a big deal about poly-hacking and having to valiantly overcome some sort of strong natural tendency to switch from monogamous to polyamorous relationships. It just seemed like once the entire culture was no longer uniting to tell me polyamory was something bizarre and different and special, it wasn’t. I didn’t even remember how weird it seemed to everyone else until the last few weeks. Then someone commented on a blog post of mine with something about polyamory, spelling it poly-“amor”-y the whole time, as if there couldn’t possibly be any real love involved. But the singular of anecdote is “enough data to disprove a universal negative claim”.As opposed to this tiny-to-nonexistant role of jealousy, I think pretty much everyone here has experienced compersion.Compersion is the opposite of jealousy, being really happy for your partner when they meet someone new and they are obviously happy.And then it started to look like a slightly better idea to take part in it than to not take part in it. So I will just say that Alicorn and Mike are probably the best couple I have ever seen.I have lived with them for seven months now and never once have I seen them get in a fight (I know there is way more to being a couple than not fighting but I’m trying to think of objective numerical evidence I can report here beyond “if you know them, you know what I mean”).
Two weeks ago, Mike and I took all three of our mutual girlfriends on a group date to Sausalito.